Director Ang Lee

If I could somehow steal Ang Lee's talent when he was unconscious, I would push him down the stairs to make it happen. And then I would run. I'm being honest here. It wouldn't be done with malice; it would be the push of someone who is insanely jealous, Salieri-level jealous if Salieri had just been a guy with a blog.

I love Lee's movies so much that I've had the Wedding Banquet sitting downstairs unwatched for two weeks now. I'm afraid to watch it because then it will have been watched. It's the same reason I spaced out the reading of all the Josephine Tey books -- you have to take your time with these things and think about them.

The same person directed Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger, Sense & Sensibility, and Eat, Drink, Man, Woman. That's just not fair. He excels across the genre board because all of his movies are about the only thing that matters: relationships. They are about the people in them and how they relate to other people, and how they think about themselves. They are very humane films without being sentimental or cloy.

None of the characters in his films are there as props or sounding boards for other characters. They aren't plot devices. They're people with their own needs and desires (often painfully palpable and heartbreakingly simple desires). It must be wonderful to act for Lee and receive respect and understanding for what you're trying to do. Many directors hire their alter ego as the (male) star, and a beautiful woman as the male star's accessory. Lee can work with any character of any age, nationality, sex, whatever, because he knows that we all want the same things: love, respect, and understanding.

I never would've thought I'd be on the edge of my seat about a schoolteacher getting anonymous love notes and being flirted with by an exuberant guy on a motorcycle, but there you are.

Maybe I wouldn't push him down the stairs, even in my deal-with-the-devil scenario. Lord knows he might turn and levitate and kick me in the face. It's not worth it!

p.s. We do not speak of The Hulk. We do not think of The Ice Storm. Even geniuses can sleepwalk or go insane or need to pay off their mob debts.

Mike Judge, the funniest man in America

"Beavis and Butthead" was so smart, it was dumb. So dumb it was smart? Both? Had they been Mike Judge's only contributions to American culture, he would still deserve a nod as an important contributor to smart comedy in a country that insists on acting increasingly dumb. Ever since Beavis told Morrissey to "get up off the ground and stop whining" in one of his videos, I've been in love.

Judge hasn't stopped working since, and the miracle is that he didn't pander to his presumed audience in order to increase his popularity and ride the gravy train of crude to the end of the line. He's gotten better and sharper and more subversively satirical as he's gone along. He's also gotten kinder, an almost unheard-of evolution for a highly successful television writer. His comedy despairs for the willful stupidity of mankind, but it does not condescend. He has hope. He doesn't think he's superior to his audience because he has made a lot of money, and that is a rare quality in popular culture indeed. (And if he does feel superior, he hides it very well.)

"King of the Hill" is a marvel of character-based comedy that respects both its characters and its audience. Hank and Peggy and the rest have their laughable flaws and exaggerated self-regard, but they also have their admirable qualities, most notably a core of decency that Judge celebrates in his work as the only thing that can save us from our own stupidity. It's no coincidence that the younger generation (Bobby, Connie, even poor Joseph) are the calmest, nicest, most tolerant and most curious characters in the show. They point to a future that has a chance, just maybe, of being better than the past.

We all know that OFFICE SPACE is a cult classic for the cubicle crowd (which is really everyone, whether you've worked in an office or avoided it because you suspect it's just like this movie presents it), but it's time now to make IDIOCRACY the classic it deserves to be. Forget its bizarre release (or non-release) history -- studio machinations are none of the audience's business, since they never make for a better film and we can't do anything about them anyway. This movie is hilarious in many ways, but mostly in its willingness to be stupid to be smart (that again). Presenting a future overwhelmed with advertising, sexual innuendo, and violence is not exactly groundbreaking, but linking it to our own embrace of things we know are dumbing us down and calling out the capable people who prefer to do nothing rather than lift a finger to stop it (as represented by the Luke Wilson character) is. Groundbreaking, that is. Showing the sheer scrot-level to which we allow ourselves to sink is not only funny but very very...funny. Oh, and a bit sad, if you have any hope for humanity and/or America at all. (Hmmm, "or" I guess would be America without humanity. Are we there yet?)

I feel like a scrot myself for analyzing a comedy, especially one that relies on yelling, slogans, phallic monster trucks, and the transmutation of Fuddruckers into ButtFuckers to tell its story. But that shit's funny, and it's accurate as well. I guess people haven't seen the movie due to its theatrical disappearing act, mixed reviews, and the fact that it hits too close to home. We can watch JACKASS, but we can't stand some prissy smartypants making fun of JACKASS. It's no coincidence that the people of the future ridicule Luke Wilson's perfectly logical comments by repeating them in a high-pitched voice.

Other great things about Judge are: that he's a Texan, that he shot his movie in Austin, and that he works with a regular group of hilarious actors (e.g. Stephen Root, the marvelous David Herman). His casting is impeccable. He is one of the few people in the state of mind and money that is "Hollywood" who goes his own way. He has something to say and he says it with a minimum of fuss or self-promotion.

And he's very, very funny.

Eli Roth, director of "Cabin Fever" (2002)

I used to take a class near a movie poster store that uses elaborate window displays for upcoming movies to lure you into their store. When "Cabin Fever" came out, the window was full of tree bark and limbs and lots and lots of blood. This is not normally the sort of thing that makes me say, "Yes. I must see that movie."

But four years later I hear Eli Roth on the Treatment, and he is so erudite and interesting and good-natured, and so obviously passionate and serious about his movies, that I immediately put "Cabin Fever" in my queue. Roth articulated all these feminist impulses behind the story of "Hostel", and I was like, right on, brother!

"Cabin Fever" is excellent -- it's extremely funny, it's an example of great movie storytelling with plenty of truly unexpected twists, and its structure is perfect. Film schools should make their students watch this one and break down it's beats -- yes, we get it, "Tootsie" and "Kramer vs Kramer" are great movies, but can we study something from this millennium, please? Something that might be in the same universe as our first films? Oh, no, you want me to watch "Big" instead? FINE.

Roth is also great with his actors -- there isn't a false move in the bunch, and he had the good sense to cast Rider Strong in the "Cabin Fever" lead (could Rider -- I call him Rider -- be this generation's Glenn Ford? Same strong jaw, same general store handsomeness? Let's hope!). "Boy Meets World" was a good show and that's all there is to it.

Every moment counts in a Roth movie, every character has a life of his or her own and a stake of his or her own (sometimes literally).

And Roth is a feminist, or a post-feminist, or whatever we're calling it these days so that it doesn't make us uncomfortable. There's a great fingering scene in "Cabin Fever", and lord knows most filmmakers never consider that side of things.

"Hostel" is well-told and really well-acted as well, with a story that unfolds beautifully, but it was all about the boys, and that just isn't as interesting to me. And I got the sense that someone got to him and made him have a more conventional action hero and "happy" ending. The movie was more gory but just wasn't as ballsy as "Cabin Fever" (though much much more boobsie).

At any rate, Roth is the man, he's got a strong viewpoint, and I can't wait to see some of the forty films he has upcoming according to IMDB.