I will break your "bio break" over your head while you urinate

Some companies are announcing during meetings that they will be taking a "bio break". That means you are invited to use the break time to urinate and/or defecate and/or menstruate. And/or masticate.

These are companies created by adults that employ adults, although it's possible that there are some gigantism-suffering preschoolers in these meetings, maybe working in Nap Development.

Let's take a break, my fellow adults. Do whatever you want with your grown up break. Please don't tell me what you're going to do during this break, not even using cute words and especially not if it involves your tummy or your rude tube.

I blame Oprah.

Boy, did I have a busy day

I'm exhausted!

Answers to Questions Asked in a Job Interview

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

A: In five years, I see myself working here and working hard. That's my personal motto, and I live it every day of my life. If I combine working hard, which I always do, with working here, which is a dream of mine, I will finally be living to my highest potential. I plan to work so hard, yet so efficiently, that I will quickly rise in the ranks of this fine corporation, of which it is a dream of mine at which to work and for which to make money. In five years, I see myself taking my boss's job, then my boss's boss's job. In ten years, I see myself running this excellent company with an iron fist covered by a velvet glove. That's what a hard worker wears. In fifty years, I see myself dead.

Q: What are your best and worst qualities?

A: Let's start with my worst qualities, because I believe in self-criticism as the path to increased productivity. I sometimes work too hard, and I'm too much of a perfectionist. I'm also too modest. I don't like to toot my own horn, which I understand can hold back even an outstanding worker like myself. Also, I am a Communist, which causes conflicts with my quest for salary increases and an 3500 square foot home, but that is my personal issue, and I have been successfully struggling with it since that one summer I backpacked in Europe with an Armenian guy.

My best qualities are my generous nature and my attention to spelling, despite a slight dyslexia that makes me occasionally type fuc instead of cuff. You'd be surprised how often the word "cuff" comes up in interoffice disputes. Also, I love to work and work to love.

Q: Here's an example of a situation that you may encounter on the job here. Would you tell me how you would handle that situation?

A: Of course I will. I want to provide as much free work for you as I can and disseminate my ideas before being paid for them. I love you.

Q: What kind of salary range are you considering?

A: What kind of salary range are you considering?

Q: No, seriously.

A: I am always serious. Except when I play table tennis. Then I am fun-loving and competitive without being creepy about it.

Q: Yes, we have a ping-pong table in the--

A: Table tennis.

(pause)

Q: I see you have a gap in your resume. What were you doing between 2004 and now?

A: Consulting.

Q: What kind of consulting?

A: Value added.

Q: Point of sale?

A: Return on investment. Also, Just In Time deliverables.

Q: Multi-tiered, or VPN?

A: Vertically integrated, mostly. I maximize profits, minimize pain. Hard stop.

Q: You sound perfect.

A: I am.



Did I get the job? Yes. Yes I did. Did I accept the job? (!Cliffhanger!)