I like country music. I don't like it ironically, and I don't like-it-but-only-Johnny-Cash-because-I saw-some-movie. I don't like it because it's funny to like Hank Williams Jr because he is a weird yelling-voiced clown with a non-clown father and a scary son (p.s. Mr. Show did a brilliant music infomercial sketch featuring C.S. Lewis Jr. singing the hits, and that made me laugh very hard for infinity because of course I read the Narnia books PLUS the Screwtape Letters and because I find Hank Williams Jr. so strange and disturbing and no, I am not and never will be ready for some football).
What? Oh...I really like it. I discovered the country music station when I was in college and needed to calm down from all that learnin' and tequila shootin' and I found the country hits to be very soothing. There was that song "Nobody", which is about a woman asking her husband whose lipstick she found, and who's perfume is in the air, and no matter what she asks, the answer is a sad, resigned, "Nobody. Just...nobody." I mean, this is life, folks. (p.s. It also always makes me think of The Family Circus, and those ghosts Ida Know and Not Me or Nobody or Jeffy's Psycho or whatever. I think one of the ghosts is Nobody? Anyway, I picture that lady's husband getting all crazy with Nobody and Ida Know and having his wife walk in and start singing that song.)
Our local country music station here in LA inexplicably changed formats one day and I was horrified. I cannot listen to emo rock hits all day, people! I do not like the disco station in the morning! I can only take so much R Kelly! Thankfully, another station took up the slack and hired a lot of the same DJs and order was restored to my life. (p.s. I still miss you, Peter Tilden!)
Country music helps me understand election results and which movies become blockbusters and where our national anxieties lie, and also my own life and dreams that I didn't even know I had. Surprise! So does pop music and hip hop and Josh Groban, so stop being a douche and admit that anyone can find anything in music if they stop letting their peer group critique their private playlists. I'm so sick of people proudly claiming to like all kinds of music, "EXCEPT country. High five!" It does not make you cool. It's like people who love to tell you how much they hate cats, just on principle. Oh, wow, you hate cats -- YOU ARE SO COOL AND NOT GAY AT ALL.
If you haven't kept up with the country hits lately, here's a primer on who's who on the radio today. It slightly incomplete, but it will help you get started:
1. Montgomery Gentry -- this is one younger guy who plays guitar and sings, and one older guy in a long black duster who acts as the hype man and carries his mic around like Freddie Mercury (though he'd KILL you with his bare hands if you implied any kinship between him and Freddie Mercury) and sings badly, but you can tell that he's proud of singing badly (and occasionally talk-singing!) because it shows what a regular man's man he is and how's he's the salt of the earth and whatnot. Their songs are not subtle. In one video, the one guy wore flared pants with MIA and POW stitched on the flares, I think in rhinestones. I mean, okay? They are great for people who hate country, because they confirm all fears of rowdy rednecks whipping mic stands around, and they are great for people who love country, because they are so unabashedly what people who hate country hate.
2. Big & Rich -- do you want a little bang in your ying yang? Well, do you? How about some zang in your zing zang? I hope you do, because Big & Rich are bringing it to you whether you like it or not. They've formed a Music Mafia to sing in your face with their atonal harmonies and randy puns, just so you can save a horse and ride a cowboy. They are a walking t-shirt slogan factory. Sometimes Rich wears a fur coat, and oh my Lord they are crazy. Crazy crafty, that's what, because they know the value of pushing the boundaries of country fans (Cowboy Troy) while simultaneously supporting the unmistakable real deal (Gretchen Wilson). One of them is tall and is called Big; the other is surnamed Rich and is called Rich. I mean, they aren't going to tax your expectations too much, folks, but you will be singing along before you realize you've even opened your mouth.
3. Carrie Underwood -- I ain't mad at ya for singing at me about Jesus and his driving powers, Carrie, because you can SANG. That song about smashing your cheating boyfriend's SUV is one of the finest of the last ten years, girlfriend. It makes me all sassy and shit.
4. Alan Jackson -- he has got to be the most boring man in country, and I betcha he's really proud of it. I mean, this is the man who was proud of not knowing the difference between Iraq and Iran. Geez, dude, get a MAP.
5. Jo Dee Messina -- Unmistakable, joyous, driving-with-the-top-down voice. I love her. Although, I just realized that I don't think I've ever seen her on TV or in a magazine or anywhere. It's possible she doesn't really exist.
6. Dolly Parton -- she is so great that she has a hit right now where she chastises her own friends for coming to her and whining about their sorry lives. I mean, she straight up ridicules the friend, there's a line in there about playing a tiny violin if she had one. But Dolly is so appealing and her voice is so fabulous that she could sing about strangling people and make it sound darling. Just don't go over to her house when you're not feeling so hot.
7. Toby Keith -- I don't know. I can't explain him. He's not handsome, he did that whole weird bullying thing with the Dixie Chicks wherein he supported our troops by trampling on the freedoms that they're fighting for, and yet he claims to be a Democrat. I don't get this guy at all, but damn if he isn't talented. Sometimes he sings like a goat, but it's such a nice, distinctive goat. He writes good songs, so that even when they are annoying (the one that goes Let's Talk About Meee-ee-eee) or disturbing (the one about lynching someone and then buying your horse a drink; no, seriously, this is an actual song), they are totally catchy and fun to listen to. How does he do that? I think Toby Keith is an illusionist and is preparing to disappear us all.
8. Chris Gaines -- holy crap, that whole thing was weird. Country music is so exacting and tough on its artists that poor old calculating Garth had to invent a painfully lame persona in order to experiment a bit musically. His rock persona was like one created by a guy who has never heard rock music and only knows about it from old Rick Springfield album covers. It was hilariously odd and wrong and dumb and I love him for it. Oh, and the Garth Brooks side is all talented and stuff, but think about it: do you think he went out one night and dug a grave and buried Chris Gaines on the side of Thunder Road?
9. Shania Twain -- is a robot.
See how interesting and varied country music is? And that was off the top of my head!
