"The Bishop's Wife" (1947), starring Cary Grant, Loretta Young, and David Niven

I just watched this ostensibly charming little Christmas movie in which Cary Grant plays an angel who counsels an uptight bishop on how to be a better husband and religious leader. The bishop, played by David Niven with a face stuck on worried, is so preoccupied with raising funds to build a giant new cathedral that he can't see how love-starved his hot wife has become. She's ripe for the picking, if you know what I mean.

The angel Dudley is supposedly so suave that he instantly charms everyone he meets, mostly by knowing their first names without being told and by being exceptionally tan in the middle of winter. The ostensibly charming little Dudley uses his magic angel powers to delay the bishop while he blatantly hits on the bishop's wife. This struck me as less "suave" and more "stalker/future rapist". I kept thinking he'd turn out to be a demon instead, but that would've taken away from the stupefyingly creepy dullness of this ostensibly charming little Christmas movie.

At least there are some patented magical moments to brighten up this OCLCM, right? Suave stalker Dudley's magical heaven-sent angel powers consist of: opening locked doors, refilling Sherry glasses, filing, not answering direct questions, knowing trivia about ancient coins, ice skating, bewitching cab drivers into giving him free rides, decorating Christmas trees, and taking gaudy hats from chubby ladies to give them to skinny Loretta.

He also induces choir boys to sing. Aren't choir boys supposed to sing? Yes, but most of these boys were late for their recital, you see, so Dudley summoned the Almighty's powers in order to wave the boys slowly into the room WHILE SINGING, such that their chirpy little voices gradually blended together into a heavenly choir. I suppose this was supposed to be a silvery moment of convergence, but Dudley was really just hurrying up some tardy little eunuchs while staring at them with inappropriate intensity. Christmas magic!

The one bright spot is mischievous cherub Elsa Lanchester as the bishop's maid. I wish the whole movie had been about her; alas, she was reduced to twittering about and staring hungrily at dumb old pathologically lustful Dudley.

Dudley doesn't ravish the bishop's pillow-lipped wife, but he essentially admits that he wants to. If only he had! At least then the bishop may have been forced to change his expression.

I give it one chestnut roasting over an open fire FROM HELL.