Jan Brady's Hideous Deformity

Jan Brady brought the angst and self-hate like no other moppet on TV. She was the Jacques in the sunny SoCal world of the Bradys, the reminder of the real world of teenage dismay and inward rot in the midst of all the hair-flipping hijinks. We, as sitcom viewers, did not enjoy the likes of this kind of adolescent character assassination again until that fun-free dullard Vanessa Huxtable. Thanks, Brady writers!

In the classic George Glass episode, Jan loses the affection of yet another human male to her lovely and charming sister Marcia, which naturally causes Jan to analyze herself to try to answer the existential question, "Why am I, Jan Brady, so replusive?" She thinks she finds her answer in the mirror, where she finally notices the hideous deformities on her face. Freckles.

Until I saw this episode as a kid, I had no idea that freckles were supposed to be gross. It had never occurred to me that I might want to try to rub them out with lemon (as Jan tries to, because Jan is no scientist), or at least duck my head in shame and load up on the foundation. But I knew, as everyone knew, that Jan's freckles were not the problem; Jan's black hole of a personality was the problem. Even fictional George Glass probably dumped her sooner or later.

Then one day in middle school, my lab partner suddenly said, "It'd be really cute if your freckles were just on your cheeks instead of all over your face."

Oh my lord, it's true! People think freckles are ugly! Fortunately, though, I thought my lab partner was pretty damned silly, so I decided to keep my face just as it was.

Since then I have learned that black & white photography really brings out the freckle goodness in a face. Had Jan seen herself like this, she would've immediately drowned herself in the toilet.

The middle photo is b&w with a blue filter -- look, just be glad I didn't give you the old High Contrast Blue Filter, because you might've been moved to call the infectious disease department. The right photo is with the red filter -- freckles gone! Alien perfection achieved! Jan, come over here -- I've found a solution... and send over Clark Tyson!

Jan, Jan, Jan. The other Brady kids had positive identifying characteristics; look where Jan fits in:

1. Marcia - perfect
2. Greg - self-confident
3. Peter - happy-go-lucky
4. Jan - self-hating
5. Cindy - plucky
6. Bobby - Bobby

Geez, Jan, way to deliver the schadenfreude. If there was nothing in a given episode to further erode Jan's self-esteem, it was a wasted thirty minutes.

But thank goodness for her and for the lovely Eve Plumb. Jan brought the real human doubt and the insecurity that balanced the show's cheeriness. Jan made regular kids feel better about not being Bradys. Jan made the ordinary superior.

But, seriously -- what was the shit on her face?