OxiClean. No need to yell.

Look, I swear I just read a novella by D.H. Lawrence, and another by Henry James, and a third by Leo Tolstoy (I found a book of masterpiece novellas; can you tell?), and I might write very intelligent stuff about that stuff they were talking about -- humanity and love and stuff. And snow.

But the real story of my real life right now is OxiClean. I don't understand this. This is a product that flat out works, I mean like miracle rejuvenation of yellowed t-shirts, curtains, stained couch cushions, and what is euphemistically referred to as "pet stains" on the carpet. This motherf'ing stuff works! I am obsessed with it like Henry James was obsessed with insecure and naive women! I am as proud of it as a Russian aristocrat is of his horses and serfs! D.H. Lawrence should've written "Sons, Lovers, and OxiClean"!

It is sold in stores. I did not realize this until I looked for it in Target and Ralphs. It's a real product, not just a late night TV virtualclean thing, like a NoFuzz Duster (I made that up; good idea, no?). It is a legitimate, though MAGICAL, cleaning bubbler thing that agitates the material and lifts the dirt away (as I understand it). I bought a 16 gallon bucket just for OxiCleaning, and I am so happy! Everything is clean now!

I must grow a beard and yell at people about this product. Seriously, why the annoying pitchman? Is he Mr.Oxi? Why is he yelling? He makes the product seem like a rip-off when it is most certainly a rip-on. I can't figure out the advertising, but I am insisting you start cleaning all your stains and spills with the O.X.I. or I can not visit your house.