Answers to Questions Asked in a Job Interview

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

A: In five years, I see myself working here and working hard. That's my personal motto, and I live it every day of my life. If I combine working hard, which I always do, with working here, which is a dream of mine, I will finally be living to my highest potential. I plan to work so hard, yet so efficiently, that I will quickly rise in the ranks of this fine corporation, of which it is a dream of mine at which to work and for which to make money. In five years, I see myself taking my boss's job, then my boss's boss's job. In ten years, I see myself running this excellent company with an iron fist covered by a velvet glove. That's what a hard worker wears. In fifty years, I see myself dead.

Q: What are your best and worst qualities?

A: Let's start with my worst qualities, because I believe in self-criticism as the path to increased productivity. I sometimes work too hard, and I'm too much of a perfectionist. I'm also too modest. I don't like to toot my own horn, which I understand can hold back even an outstanding worker like myself. Also, I am a Communist, which causes conflicts with my quest for salary increases and an 3500 square foot home, but that is my personal issue, and I have been successfully struggling with it since that one summer I backpacked in Europe with an Armenian guy.

My best qualities are my generous nature and my attention to spelling, despite a slight dyslexia that makes me occasionally type fuc instead of cuff. You'd be surprised how often the word "cuff" comes up in interoffice disputes. Also, I love to work and work to love.

Q: Here's an example of a situation that you may encounter on the job here. Would you tell me how you would handle that situation?

A: Of course I will. I want to provide as much free work for you as I can and disseminate my ideas before being paid for them. I love you.

Q: What kind of salary range are you considering?

A: What kind of salary range are you considering?

Q: No, seriously.

A: I am always serious. Except when I play table tennis. Then I am fun-loving and competitive without being creepy about it.

Q: Yes, we have a ping-pong table in the--

A: Table tennis.

(pause)

Q: I see you have a gap in your resume. What were you doing between 2004 and now?

A: Consulting.

Q: What kind of consulting?

A: Value added.

Q: Point of sale?

A: Return on investment. Also, Just In Time deliverables.

Q: Multi-tiered, or VPN?

A: Vertically integrated, mostly. I maximize profits, minimize pain. Hard stop.

Q: You sound perfect.

A: I am.



Did I get the job? Yes. Yes I did. Did I accept the job? (!Cliffhanger!)