Do not write these things down

Why would you tell me this is what you've written and expect me to read it?

1. Musings -- Best exemplified by the inexplicable Larry King and his bizarro, ellipsis-happy, stream of nonsensical consciousness newspaper column, full of Angie Dickinson shout-outs and endorsements of things like "rain" and "holidays". Musings are what kill first dates. Your musings are as fascinating to other people as your dreams are, which is to say, tell it to the mirror.

2. Random Thoughts -- Can't be bothered with a specific thought, I see. Let me help you. From now on, you can only write about death.

3. Rants -- Have you ever known a schizophrenic, or an elderly person who has slipped into dementia, or a weird boyfriend who lied about being employed? These are people who rant. Their rants are loud and make no sense and are best listened to from the other side of a locked door. Same goes for Dennis Miller, the unfunny, pseudo-intellectual, former joke-teller who's about as funny as Tiny Tim at the Council of Trent -- next up, my good friend and fellow cutup, George W Bush! When you feel the urge to rant, push your face into your pillow and rant away. Pull your head away from the pillow before you suffocate (I know how ranters lose track of time when they're really steamed about lady drivers who can't see over the steering wheel, or brussel sprouts).

4. Ruminations -- Musings that have been to college.

I hope we've all looked deep inside ourselves and realized that we should put the keyboard away before we embarrass ourselves.

And that reminds me -- brussel sprouts are disgusting! They smell like a wet towel that's been crumpled in the corner for three days, and they taste kind of like nothing, and it's like watching Lance Armstrong pedal a cotton gin for Scarlett O'Hara as Tara burns...Bats fly, but they don't have feathers. I wonder what would happen if we measured time in stones?