The Universe Told Me To Tell You To Shut Your Darn Yap

So the Universe was like, "Look, I'm being real here, I have dwarf stars and the Pluto planet controversy to deal with, I do not have time for all this I wanna iPhone, I want that hottie, this hottie, that job, money from the sky...I mean, is it me? It isn't me, is it? Dang right it isn't me! I'm not telling anybody anything because frankly, I don't give a sh...oh, girl, you know the Universe doesn't swear!"

And I'm all, "Umm hmmm."

And the Universe is all, "I am tired."

And I'm like, "I hear you."

And the Universe stood up all indignant, saying, "I need an unlisted number, I'm telling you. Like I care about anyone's career or love life that I'm gonna be telling them what to do! Do I look like Ann Landers' twin sister? I don't have time for advice! I've got cosmic concerns -- LITERALLY!"

And then I stopped listening, because, seriously, the Universe can go on.